Clover - Kibou (Wish)
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: [Completed] They say that a clover can grant happiness. But just how far does a 'Clover' need to go to their own wish...?
1. Prologue - Yume wa hounto ni yume desu k...

Disclaimer: Clover is by Clamp. Not mine at all.   
  
  
Kibou (Wish)  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Prologue - Yume wa hounto ni yume desu ka?  
(Prologue - A dream is really a dream?)  
  
  
  
~Yume?~  
(~Dream?~)  
  
Ring. Ring.  
  
My heart beat a little bit faster than usual. I always felt like this though. I knew what I was doing was wrong.  
But it couldn't be too wrong if Grandmother Kou let me, ne?  
  
I wasn't...  
I convinced myself that it was so.  
  
"Hai?" the familiar voice answered.  
  
And all the flood of nervousness slipped away as I answered, "Suu desu."  
  
"Ah, Suu," Oruha confirmed. But I could hear the slight smile in her voice.  
Ever since the incident of being mistaken for a prank call, I was always relieved to find that she didn't hold it against me.  
  
Oruha wouldn't...  
  
I guess, because I had always been alone, I was always scared of being turned away. I had built up my courage to say hi because I didn't want her to let me go too.  
  
Isn't it silly to think that you base your whole life on a single phone call?  
And yet, I did...  
  
"How are you?" she asked as I heard her unzip something.  
  
"Fine."  
  
And the conversation went on like that. The usual, 'what did you do today' and the like.  
  
But my answer was always the same. Though it was hard to hold myself back, I managed pretty well. My heart felt like a hole and all this air was being sucked in with no apparent sign of stopping. And yet, I felt happy that I could smile because there was someone to talk to.  
I always answered back differently though it was difficult.  
Especially when you thought for hours after that, "I wish I could do the things you do."  
  
For me, Oruha's day was my day too. Whatever she did, she would let me share in it. She'd give me such detailed descriptions that I could have been there myself.  
  
She never seemed surprised that I asked such strange questions. I haven't gone out in so long that I've forgotten what things are 'real'.  
  
Sometimes I think I'm a robot myself. Living here for so long by myself and surrounded by artificial things...  
...am I artificial too?  
  
Am I real at all?  
Living so long here...  
  
I've forgotten once in a while...  
  
  
  
~Four-leaf clover ni naritai...~  
(~I want to be a four leaf clover~)  
  
Oruha started to giggle as she tried to say that Kazuhiko had gotten a bit jealous when a little boy had given her a flower. It was all in fun, but some part of him cringed and she somehow loved the attention.  
The care.  
It was the deep care he gave to her that she loved so much more than all the presents or all the words he had ever said to her.  
  
It were the unspoken things...  
  
These unspoken things were the existence of my own song.  
The bird's song of sorrow. A silent one that can never be sung.  
Ever.  
  
"Oruha?" I asked while blinking my eyes and looking out of my cage of a room.  
  
"Yes?" she said with her usual twinkling voice.  
  
I blurted out, "Do you dream?"  
  
"Do I dream?" she repeated to herself.  
  
"I've always wanted to ask you."  
  
"What do you mean by dream?" Oruha asked me curiously. "There are lots of ways to dream."  
  
"There are?"  
  
I didn't know that.  
Have I been locked up for so long that I've stored those things far away from my heart and mind too?  
  
I became silent.  
  
"Yes, there are. There are the ones you make with your heart. Then there are ones you say aloud. There are even ones when you're awake. There are ones when you go to sleep and go to a different place."   
  
I could hear her smiling at the phone, but then, her voice dropped a bit in tone. "It's like a wish that you want so much. But, you don't know if it'll ever come true."  
  
"Tell me about these dreams or wishes, Oruha."  
  
"Well, the ones you make with your heart, those are the ones you never say. These are the ones that sometimes you have to realize them. The ones you say aloud are the ones that you can't help but want.   
Then, there are ones when you're awake. They're called daydreams. You could be thinking about something while you're doing something else. Like if I think of being held by Kazuhiko while I'm singing on stage...  
The most interesting ones are the ones when you're sleeping. These are also things called dreams. When you go to sleep, you go to a different time and place. You can be in the beach and talk to someone but it's all in your mind. And then you wake up."  
  
Silence.  
  
"I'll have to wake up someday, now won't I, Suu?"   
  
She then mumbled unhappily, "I can never be Kazuhiko's four-leaf clover..."  
  
  
"Oh..."   
I wanted to shake my head.  
  
Again, there was silence.  
  
My eyes blinked and before I knew it, I softly whispered, "You wouldn't want to be a four-leaf clover."  
  
"Why?" Her voice began to quiver a little. That's all she could ask me.  
  
"It's lonely."  
  
"Suu?"  
  
"Excuse me, Oruha. But I'll talk to you later. Thanks for speaking with me!" I said in one breath.  
  
Then, I put my hands to my face as the tears began to slip through the crevices of my hands. Like a river, they flowed continuously onto my white dress.  
  
You don't want to be a four leaf clover.  
If you only knew...  
  
I want a dream.  
I want to dream.  
To be able to go to a different place and time.  
  
What was she talking about? I only asked because she mentioned it in her song.  
Was a dream like the way I felt when you sang? With your beautiful voice, you took me to a dream?  
  
Didn't your voice take me to somewhere I could never reach? Outside of these golden wires that they thought would keep me here?  
  
I was physically here, but my spirit was floating out there. All that was left was a shell.  
  
I was just a shell of something resembling a human...  
  
  
Then, I stopped crying. As the birds chirped in front of me to ask why I was this way, I shook my head and wiped my face with the back of my hands.  
  
  
  
  
~Tori no kanashii uta~  
(~The bird's song of sorrow'~)  
  
That's what I am.  
A caged bird...  
  
The one with beautiful wings...  
  
I lifted my hands and closed my eyes.   
  
  
Then, I began to sing myself without thinking:  
  
"A long time ago  
I made a promise  
to lock myself so far away  
so deep inside  
that I'd never come out again.  
  
I lost myself  
while I was wide awake.  
The sky was torn from me  
and all I see is a white ceiling.  
  
I see these birds that sing  
but never really sing a tune.  
I touch my skin  
and wonder if it's fake.  
  
Is an illusion made real  
when you start to believe it?  
I don't understand.  
Tell me.  
Teach me.  
Tell me that I bleed   
like you too.  
  
A long time ago  
I used to laugh  
when I ran around thinking  
I could touch the sky,  
only to have it fall on me.  
  
I lost my innocence  
while I was watching myself  
deteriorate before my eyes  
and all I can walk around is a tile floor.  
  
Is a dream made fake  
when you fail to make it true?  
I understand now.  
Whisper to me.  
Don't teach me.  
Tell me that I cry  
like you too.  
  
A long time ago  
I made a promise...  
A promise I wish I never made  
If I had died then,  
I would have lived.  
  
For now,  
I'm just here,  
waiting patiently...  
To fly somewhere.  
Anywhere to get away.  
  
To get away from my  
torn heart.  
  
(whisper)  
Is an illusion made real  
when you start to believe it?  
I don't understand.  
Tell me.  
Teach me.  
Tell me that I bleed   
like you too.  
  
I know I do.  
I know I did.  
  
Tell me that I bleed   
like you too..."  
  
Then, everything began to become blurry again. I hung my hand as my wings branched out wanting to breathe as much as I myself did.  
  
I couldn't sing anymore. It hurt too much.  
  
  
Singing...  
it is my dream?  
  
  
"How do you make your songs?" I had asked once.  
"These are the dreams I can never say, Suu." she had answered.  
  
  
Barely audible, I say with the echoes reaching back to my ears, "Thank you...I understand now, Oruha."  
  
  
I know what it is to dream...  
But why is my heart cringing more deep inside of me?  
  
  
To be continued.  
  
--  
Author's note: This came to me while I was in one of my seminars. I guess it was because I was thinking, "If I were Suu, what would I ask Oruha?"  
Weirdly...this was pretty easy to make... 


	2. Chapter 1 - kinou to kyou ga dake aru. ...

Disclaimer: Clover isn't mine. I just love it a lot to care to make a fanfic.  
  
  
Kibou. (Wish.)  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
Chapter 1 - There is only a yesterday and today.  
  
  
~Hoshi~   
(~Want~)  
  
I stared at the phone for a moment in awe. I didn't know if I was more shocked at myself or at Suu's suddenly disappearance. And I couldn't help but feel sad at the situation.  
Everything had gone silent and I couldn't even move my lips for they had been sealed tightly shut.  
  
Then, I finally let out a deep sigh along with a "Suu...?"  
  
I was so confused and I held onto the phone as if I were holding onto my life. Still holding onto hope as if it were something I could hold in within the constraints of my human hands.  
  
To me, you had been my hope, Suu.  
With you, I always felt like I was the superstar of the world when I had not even made my debut yet.  
  
I wish it wouldn't be for a long while...  
But that could never be, now could it?  
  
Destiny is a foreordained thing.  
Especially for a one-leaf clover.  
  
But to defy all the rest, there was Kazuhiko. Despite all the lies, the fears, the truths, the strength, there he had stood at the other side.  
  
In the mangled thoughts and webs that I had to cut through to keep my sanity and my own sense of being, I had learned to keep my true self somewhere deep inside.  
Locked up with all my dreams wanting to come out through my fingertips.  
  
To me, you had been my dream, Kazuhiko.  
  
I sing because I know you will be there on the other side of this one-way street to greet me.   
I have never heard something from your lips that treated less that I could have been.  
You treated me better than anyone I had ever known...  
  
...even better than I could ever treat myself.  
  
Whenever I was with someone, there was always an invisible barrier that I myself put in front of me. I could not help but think of the end to everything.  
My own death.  
  
That's the power of a one-leaf clover.  
A power that I keep secret from you and the guilt grows more every day.  
  
Knowing that every time I look at you, our time becomes shorter.  
  
I wish I were a four-leaf clover.   
It may be lonely Suu, but I can never reach for Kazuhiko the way I want...  
  
Always feeling like he's so far away. That's why I starve for his kiss and his touch to make him real to me...  
To my existence. To my body. To my mind.  
But the further I love him, the more I reach for someone unattainable in the end.  
  
And at those times I realize this, I become silent in front of him.  
  
Maybe it wouldn't make a difference whether I was one, two, or four...  
in my heart, I would be the same.  
  
And my abilities would still be the same, wouldn't they?  
  
  
  
~Reborn~  
  
I got up from the bed and went to take a shower. As I took off my clothes, I threw them every which way without discretion.  
There was never any shame.  
I was never embarrassed.  
  
And so, I stared at my reflection in the mirror for a moment. A thin line had reached itself onto my lips as if they were painted there.  
  
How many times do I have to paste a smile on my face?  
How many times did I lie to get here?  
How many times do I have to pretend that I don't know?  
How many times did I break myself to get there?  
  
In disgust, I turned from the mirror and entered the bath. As I took my shower, I began to sing the first song I had ever made. So personal that I couldn't even sing to you, Kazuhiko...  
  
"The things I cannot say  
The things I cannot have  
These are the dreams unseen  
These are the visions unheard  
  
An oracle came today  
A baby was born  
to find when they would die  
And they let it live.  
  
They lied to her  
They should have left her  
to die that day.  
  
To The things I can say  
For The things I can have  
Those are the blinks given  
Those are the ideas imagined.  
  
Is it so hard to   
pretend to catch a dream  
than actually fulfilling one?  
Let me die, let me live,  
a perpetual seesaw  
within the heart.  
  
A singer will come one day,  
A woman was reborn  
to find that she may die  
and never be with her lover again.  
  
She lies to him  
Telling they'll never part   
in silence till this day.  
  
A dream  
is a broken thing  
A bird with clipped wings.  
  
I cannot fly..."  
  
As the water ran, I kneeled to the ground shaking. My blood was becoming cold and I wanted to bleed all my fears away with the water that pounded on my back and out of my eyes.  
  
"That's right," I said, "A dream is something I cannot ever say."  
  
Shouting from the depths of my soul, I think, "This is what I really want! I want it this way!"  
  
But in my cowardness, I hide behind the shadows of a song and smiling.  
  
If I did shout or ever say my dream, would it be cursed? It would all come to nothing, wouldn't it? Because I know when I'm dying.  
  
My dream becomes my life now.  
I must live my dream now.  
There is no tomorrow.  
  
I have no tomorrow.  
There is only a yesterday and today.  
  
  
~Tori ni naranai.~  
(~Cannot become a bird~)  
  
Because of this, I had always wanted a bird. A real bird.   
Not one of those artificial things for I had always felt like an actress pretending with mechanical lips and eyes.  
  
Always trying to keep my innocence within me. The purity of passion from my lips...  
My songs are strong in their whispered silence echoing the depths of my soul.  
  
That's the only way I was able to escape to become more than I could ever become. I didn't have to think of tomorrow, my songs are of today.  
  
They will continue until tomorrow. Songs cannot be forgotten, right?  
They will become the embodiement of my tomorrow like a bird that can fly so freely in the sky.  
  
My songs are my dreams unspoken...  
  
My hair became tangled around me and in my inner shame, I covered my face unable to look at my reflection in the mirror.  
  
I sobbed even louder as the shower went zaa zaa. I began to cry even harder as I felt like I was withering away while chest become even more painful as it cringed deeply.  
  
  
At last, I whispered the last line to a song that would never be sung outside of the walls I had built inside my heart...  
  
"Since I cannot fly,   
my voice will."  
  
  
To be continued.  
  
--  
Author's note: I know that these chapters seem abrupt but that's what I learned from Clover. You try to condense things, get the most emotional feedback, and move on.  
  
I really like Oruha and I cried while type the last line. Since I couldn't describe it any better, I just ended it suddenly there instead of putting more interaction with Kazuhiko.  
Still, as I read this, I feel something stir within my chest. I wish I could describe it more than 'cringe' with even more pain.  
  
I like this fic so far. I always 'feel' something physically as if my human existence is questioned and have I really taken my freedom for granted? 


	3. Chapter 2 - Shattered.

Disclaimer: Clover is one masterpiece of Clamp's that should be experienced at least once. I want to share this experience with my mediocre hands, but with all of my heart.  
  
  
Kibou. (Wish.)  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
  
Chapter 2 - Shattered.  
  
"Oruha. Oruha." I called as I took a hold of her shoulders. As the water splashed onto my clothing I didn't care.   
  
What had upset my Oruha so much so?  
  
I kept my hand over one of her shoulders while turning off the shower. My hair dripped onto her long tangled clump of curly hair below me. Looking through the disturbed mass, I couldn't see her face.  
But I could hear her as clear as a bell. The tile bathroom gave her away. The sniffing echoed loudly in my ears though it might as well have been inaudible to say the least.  
  
"Oruha?" I said again.  
  
It was then that she stopped to look at me. It was a face I had never wanted to see.  
  
It was a face I promised I wouldn't give her.  
  
  
My heart skipped a beat.  
  
  
The tears continued to stream down the sides of her face and I couldn't help but think even that was beautiful. Yes, everything about you is beautiful.  
  
Even in your sadness.  
  
But ever since I met you, don't you know that that sadness became mine too?  
  
"Don't look at me, Kazuhiko!" In a fluster she just sat there in the shower cowering. I couldn't tell if she was cold or was this thing inside of her heart so terrible that she couldn't tell even me? Me of all people?  
  
"Why?" was all I could come up with. Short and simple.  
  
"I'm ashamed."  
  
"With me? Am I hearing this right?"  
  
Her voice then became like a lost child whispering to themself, "There's something I have to tell you."   
  
A feeling that equalled that of a cold piece of ice struck at my heart and travelled down my spine at the same time.   
  
"I-" she started.  
  
"Get up," I interrupted.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
I took her chin up to look at me. Then, I gently tugged her face as her whole body got up and stood in front of me. As I pushed her to stand against the wall, she looked at me in confusion.   
  
"What are you doing, Kazuhiko?"  
  
I looked her straight and honestly into her eyes. "You talk like you're never going to see me again."  
  
I wasn't one of those guys insecure to think that 'if you left me' sort. Okay, maybe I was, but even more so, her "I have to tell you something" felt like she was going to die or something close to it. And it always scared me.  
Now, I can say 'if you left me, I wouldn't know what to do.'  
  
She kept quiet as she looked at me.  
  
I shook my head as I held her shoulders. Then, I kissed her forehead, her nose, her eyes, her neck, her shoulders, her heart, her stomach, each of her thights, her calves, her arms...  
  
I then opened my eyes and stood before her. "Never _ever_ tell me that you are ashamed. Every part of this body is mine. And I've never been ashamed of it."  
  
Leaning closer, I said, "I've never been ashamed of you. You shouldn't be."  
  
"Kazuhiko..." her marble eyes stared incredulously at me. Then, she wrapped her arms around me.   
And I let her cry.  
  
Wrapping a towel around her back, she continued to embrace me as her tears rained upon my uniform.  
  
  
You don't know how much your tears are braking my strong facade...  
  
  
Like a little kid, she whispered while sobbing, "I want to be a bird. I want to be a bird, Kazuhiko."  
  
Then, she said something that tore me apart completely, "Tell me that I can fly, Kazuhiko."  
  
  
I wish I could give you anything you desired, Oruha.  
I try...but I know there will be a time when I just can't.  
  
  
She shook me a little. "I want to fly, Kazuhiko!"  
  
I wrapped my arms tightly around her and whispered to her ear, "I can't lie to you, Oruha."  
  
It was then that she suddenly stopped crying. "I know. That's why I love you."  
  
We stood there for a while and then she left to change.  
  
I went to stand by the window as I waited for her.   
How many times have I stood here and wondered what would she have said?   
  
How many times have I stopped you from saying what you needed to?  
  
Was I afraid of the answer I'd get?  
Yes, Oruha. I was.  
  
I am.  
  
These were the times that a chill would blow through my body and I felt like someone was making fun of me.  
  
I wasn't so easily fooled though. I knew Oruha like my own heartbeat. There was something she tried to hold back.  
Her smiles were full of two meanings: happy and sad at the same time.  
  
Does that make any sense? No.   
  
You are holding back something and I am afraid of that is. I am afraid that if you tell me, I'd lose you completely.  
  
If I ever lost you...  
I wouldn't know what to do, Oruha.  
  
I don't think-  
No, I will not be able to stand life with you.   
  
It's like a drink you've tasted and it's your favorite. You can never live without it. You need it to live or else you'll die.  
  
That's what you are to me. And I'm trying to protect you and all your hopes, all your dreams, all your feelings kept inside.  
  
  
At that moment, I looked at the moon outside and saw a shooting star. Despite the abnormalities of this world and of this age, there was still great beauty to be found within it.  
  
"Oruha..." I mumbled to myself.  
  
  
I wish that I could be with you forever.  
Wherever you go, I want to be there.   
  
  
At that moment, as if it were an omen...  
the scratch on my face began to drip with blood.  
  
  
The window I had looked out of for hope  
shattered before me.  
  
  
  
To be continued...  
  
---  
Author's note: I didn't know what to do for Kazuhiko, but I thought this was sufficient.   
I like the ending... 


	4. Chapter 3 - When you are far away from m...

Disclaimer: Clover is by Clamp. "Angel's crying" is by DJ Mystic.  
  
Kibou. (Wish.)  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
  
Chapter 3 - When you are far away from me.  
  
  
  
~Kimi wa Ningen da yo~  
(~You are human!~)  
  
"I'm sorry," he immediately apologized as he picked up the pieces of a dish that he had accidentally dropped in the kitchen.   
  
"It's nothing." I walked over bent down to inspect his hands as he pulled them away from me. I looked at him through my glasses. "Show me."  
  
He looked to the side as he brought his hands out for evaluation.   
  
Red blooddrop drip. Drip, drip.  
  
"Do you plan to keep this a secret from me?"  
  
He shook his head.  
  
I sighed as I got his wrists and brought him to the bathroom. I washed his hands as he watched me do so in silence.  
  
He always watched me quietly. But I understood.   
What could he say to me? What did we want to say to one another? Most of it was useless.   
  
We didn't need words.  
Not anymore.  
  
Our feelings were enough now.  
  
I sat him upon the stool as I got the alcohol from the closet. "This will sting like the last time."  
  
"I know," he quietly replied.  
  
I looked at him for a moment. Are you really fifteen-years-old Lan? It has only been two years. God, I don't even remember any more.  
  
Days go by for you when one passes for me.  
  
But no matter. You are still a child inside, aren't you? I don't know really. You had been in the lab for so long. I don't know how old you really are.  
  
Maybe your real years are catching up with you? I shook the thought away. Could they have been that cruel?  
  
  
Yes, I answer myself. Yes, they can. Yes, they are.  
  
  
His hands tightened as I wrapped them in gauze and I looked at him again.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
He shook his head.  
  
"You should tell me if there's anything wrong, Lan."  
  
Yes, I gave you that name. I wanted you to have an identity. You're not just a letter or a Clover.   
We are a people though they say we aren't!   
  
You are human, Lan!  
  
  
He looked at me with a wistfully smiling face and nodded silently.   
  
I hate it when you do that. Why do you have to smile when you know it absolutely hurts?  
  
Behind my glasses, I was wincing from frustration, but I kept my calm. It was nothing to me. I had been so used to being numb that it came so naturally to me now.  
  
"Thank you." He got up and left.  
  
  
  
~Shiranai.~  
(~Don't know.~)  
  
But, you didn't know...  
  
I grabbed on his shirt.  
  
...that it drove me crazy...  
  
I pull him to my chest.  
  
...every time you give me that look...  
  
I embrace his shoulders.  
  
...I feel like I'm dying inside...  
  
I wrap my arms even tighter over him.  
  
...just like you first came here?  
  
  
No, you possibly can't.   
  
  
He closed his eyes as he reached up to touch my glasses. "Gingetsu...do your eyes hurt?"  
  
This conversation will never make any sense to anyone. No one but Kazuhiko, Lan, and myself. And that is just fine as far as I'm concerned.  
  
Is this the only way we can communicate? Because A put this clear barrier between us? Must we lie to find the truth?  
  
How can that possibly be?  
  
"Yes."  
  
I close my eyes.  
  
  
  
  
~Remaining.~  
  
I can't stand it anymore.  
You understand, don't you?  
Every time I look at you,  
I wonder how long do we have left?  
  
I bet you are thinking the same thing. You begin to frown slightly at me.  
  
  
Why...why do we hold back?   
Because we don't know how to express emotions.  
  
  
"I will go clean up the mess," he says as he puts his hand on over my own and presses his lips softly on my arm.   
  
But I am unable to understand why I can't let go. Or rather, I'm denying it.  
  
And he can't say, "Please let me go."  
  
Everything has a double meaning...  
  
  
It was then that the rain that had been falling softly became more violent. And the thunder roared in the sky.  
  
  
I don't know what this boy did...  
but he had killed me completely.  
With This innocence that was killed by humanity is in my arms.  
  
Like a fallen angel.  
  
At that moment, Kazuhiko's question repeated in my mind, "What do you want most in the world?"  
  
"Now."  
  
He nodded not really knowing what I meant, but had no time to as he left me at the rain that was beginning.  
  
  
I don't know what you have done, but I can't stand being away from you for too long...  
  
  
As the rain fell outside and we stood there in a moment of time, I thought, "They'll call you back someday. And I will never find you again."  
  
  
At that moment, the fast-beat song played on the radio to torture me even more, "Angels are crying when you are far away from me..."  
  
  
I couldn't let him go and I felt the pressure and sadness of the moment.   
  
I don't know what will happen and when it will happen, but I am certain of one thing:  
  
When you leave,   
I will be left barren inside.  
  
  
I will be broken by your hands someday, Lan. But you won't be able to do anything about it then. I'll let myself slip.  
  
  
  
I then looked at the dishes that remained on the ground.  
  
I feel like I'm looking at myself.  
  
  
--  
Author's note: Yes, I know Gingetsu is very ooc, but I love this pairing. It was so hard to depict his cold exterior to that of his special relationship with Ran. And so, I had a hard time making him convincing. I hope I did an okay job. ^^;;  
  
*takes a deep breath* Isn't it worse when you can't say what you want to? 


	5. Chapter 4 - I didn't know the answer.

Disclaimer: Clover is Clamp's.  
  
  
  
Kibou. (Wish.)  
  
By Miyamoto Yui  
  
  
  
Chapter 4 – I didn't know the answer.  
  
  
  
~Worries~  
  
I…I should go.  
  
I should push him away from me, but why can't I? Please don't make me cry.  
  
I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn't. You wouldn't let me. But I know exactly how he is feeling and it's pushing a dagger through my heart.  
  
Whatever is left of it.  
  
Painfully I push him away. He understands.  
  
If we don't let go, we'll be forced to split apart.  
  
I don't think either of us can stand that. The fear of just thinking that sends a shiver down my spine.  
  
That is worse than dying right now in my honest opinion.  
  
I go back into the kitchen to stubbornly pick up the pieces and many things run through my head. One of them is that this will not matter later.  
  
These dishes are headed for destruction. I just helped them along the way.  
  
I pick them up despite my hands hurting. Maybe I have some kind of acute arthritis. But if I tell him this, he'll worry more.  
  
I age so much faster now. I could see my hands aging before me. Losing myself somewhat and the sharp pain developing in my hands, I'm forced back into reality. Then, CRASH!  
  
He stepped in the room calmly. But, I knew he was worried.  
  
He always worries about me.  
  
  
  
~Uta no namae wa Wish.~  
  
(~The song's name is Wish.~)  
  
After fixing up, I head into the living room and turn off the radio and play something else.  
  
I sit on the chair listening silently to the violin playing. Softly…gently…  
  
I want to grasp this feeling deep inside of my heart, but I can't. I want to keep my soul intact, but I am taken to a different world.  
  
One where I don't have to think of how old I am…  
  
Where I'm dying inside and out…  
  
One where I know I'm not deteriorating before him…  
  
The song suddenly stops. This song called Wish.  
  
I open my eyes and look out the window as the rain falls continuously. It seems my eyes are playing tricks on me.  
  
I amuse myself for a few minutes by looking straight at the window. I used to do this for hours at a time.  
  
There was nothing else I could do.  
  
It was so quiet when Gingetsu was gone. I starved just to hear him clicking away on his computer.  
  
Though I never could tell him, I was happy that way. Just having someone there was enough for me. Though I can't entirely enjoy it due to the constraints of my body, my mind, A, or the constant surveillance, I did not mind as much anymore.  
  
For, when I was at the institution, I searched for this feeling. I searched for human warmth.  
  
Even among all these people in their white lab coats, I felt all alone. I was always quiet until one of my brothers talked to me.  
  
Then, A became possessive over me.  
  
When I looked up to the familiar ceiling, I embraced A. But still, even then, I did not feel anything though he held me firmly and tightly. He kissed me on the head and it felt like ice as it sent a current of fear down my body.  
  
Only when he slept did I have any kind of peace. When no one was there or when it was truly quiet did I get to really think and do what I wanted. But being caged, I couldn't do much either.  
  
And so, I stayed in A's arms and looked up at the ceiling thinking, "I wish…I don't know what to wish for."  
  
The next day, I left.  
  
  
  
~Until.~  
  
"Lan, I think you should go to bed."  
  
I looked around to find Gingetsu standing over me. He then picked me up and carried me to my bed.  
  
Always…you always bring me back to reality to Gingetsu.  
  
As he turned around to leave, I weakly got up and grabbed him from behind as my tears began to soak his back.  
  
"Why do you always save me, Gingetsu?" I said as I softly sobbed.  
  
"No one else will," he answered.  
  
Even now, the guilt I felt for killing all those people, it comes to haunt me. And each time, it robs me of my sanity and my heart. I become more and more numb as all my emotions leave me.  
  
I am not calm. Not at all.  
  
I wear a smile because I know…  
  
There is nothing else I can do.  
  
"How can you possibly love someone who killed so many?"  
  
"How can _you_ possibly love someone like that?" he countered.  
  
  
  
Then, A came into mind and I trembled in nervousness.  
  
"What do you dream of, C?" A had asked me once.  
  
"Nothing." I answered.  
  
I lied.  
  
I held Gingetsu harder as if my heart would spill its blood onto his body.  
  
Him.  
  
I dreamt of you of all this time.  
  
  
  
I didn't know the answer…  
  
until you took care of me then.  
  
Until you first cared for my hands  
  
With your warm ones.  
  
  
  
As he put his arms around my own,  
  
it was only then that I truly smiled.  
  
  
  
To be continued…  
  
--  
  
Author's note: Boy do I love, Lan. 


	6. Epilogue - Until Wish is made.

Disclaimer: Clover is Clamp's.  
  
  
  
Kibou. (Wish.)  
  
By Miyamoto Yui  
  
  
  
Epilogue – Until Wish is made.  
  
  
  
~Ichi.~  
  
I hear her again. She is singing out the window. A broken window where Kazuhiko tried to picture and project his dreams.  
  
Do dreams really come to nothing? Is that why you can't say anything, Oruha? Is that why?  
  
If a dream means that it will hurt, why is it called a dream at all? I thought they were things that made you happy?  
  
This makes no sense to me. Not at all.  
  
I can't even ask you for an explanation. It is something a Clover must find out themselves, right?  
  
And yet, you are still singing. You are resigned to singing out this broken window. You want your voice to fly high.  
  
I want to fly with you.  
  
Wherever you may go.  
  
Please take me with you.  
  
We made a song together with this purpose, didn't we? We wanted to fly and reach what we couldn't.  
  
Is that was a dream really is? You try to reach, but you'll only injure yourself on the way?  
  
Kazuhiko does not seem to worry about these things as we do. You always say that he says, "Keep on going. No matter what. Even if you go blind."  
  
Would it have been better to not have lived if you cannot achieve your dream?  
  
Oh, Oruha, you can't imagine being a four-leaf clover. It is too hard. Kazuhiko might have cried for an invisible you.  
  
In this sense, I'm years beyond you.  
  
You should be glad to be a one-leaf,  
  
At least he knew you were alive.  
  
At least people know you are alive out there.  
  
Especially when you sing.  
  
Songs last forever.  
  
In this silence.  
  
I took all this silence into my heart until I sang.  
  
Until I just sing and swing in my cage.  
  
I am bird.  
  
The caged white bird.  
  
I sing with you, Oruha,  
  
But you don't know why I sing.  
  
If you ever go,  
  
You may be the only one…  
  
…who ever knew that I did.  
  
  
  
~Ni.~  
  
You can't hold onto him forever, Two. He will have to fly.  
  
Like all Clovers we fade. One by one.  
  
He is not accustomed to living in the world. As am I. Yet, you do. You might be able to live.  
  
Maybe not for too long after, but just enough.  
  
Just enough not to be alone.  
  
You must let him go. Or else they will catch you. I don't want that to happen.  
  
I will become more sad.  
  
Tearing away is better by choice than by force. But who am I to say that? My mother gave me away without thinking twice.  
  
But I didn't want to go.  
  
I only went because they seemed to care more about my well-being. Even if it is fake.  
  
Isn't it the same? If they act like it? To at least give a projection of fawning over my needs?  
  
But deep inside, I know it is not.  
  
And you, you can keep him. Silently to yourself. You can keep him close to you. You will give this care unconditionally…  
  
Wholeheartedly…  
  
Purely…  
  
It is real.  
  
So, does that make us human and not Clovers anymore? If we learn to love?  
  
I don't understand this at all.  
  
  
  
I had seen that dreams are always towards the future. But I'm confused.  
  
You say that what your wish is now. Your dream is now.  
  
It is because we Clovers have no past and no future?  
  
Is it because of that that we must adjust the meaning and lifespan of a single wish?  
  
Tell me.  
  
I don't understand…  
  
I would love to ask,  
  
But you don't know I even exist.  
  
  
  
~San.~  
  
You left the nest and found another one. One where it is smaller, more compact. And you cry the tears you couldn't before.  
  
You don't understand why you are crying, but you are.  
  
Is it because you can actually dream? Is it because you have actually dreamt?  
  
So, how does it feel to be gone from your cage? Though you are confined, aren't you more free?  
  
You can breathe now?  
  
Your brother knows. He senses it.  
  
He gets jealous constantly.  
  
And then you comfort him inside of your mind by saying, "I love you the best."  
  
Over and over you have this chant.  
  
It is a mindless mantra.  
  
But we know,  
  
You always lie to him.  
  
You love Two the best.  
  
You have a strong connection to him. Silent, but resilent.  
  
Steadfast and forever.  
  
You don't know, but he promised it would be forever.  
  
You didn't know that when you came, he became more and more gentle. Even more gentle than when he had become friends with Kazuhiko.  
  
You brought out something he had never seen inside of himself.  
  
And also inside of you too.  
  
Your wish was not impossible, Three.  
  
  
  
It just had yet to be realized.  
  
  
  
~Shi.~  
  
I will leave someday. I will sing someday and someone else will know.  
  
Take me to Fairy Park.  
  
He'll not know why. I will not tell him.  
  
My wish…  
  
It is not so big.  
  
I want to touch someone out of this cage.  
  
That's all.  
  
I just want someone to see me. To really see me with the purity of liking me for me.  
  
Not because I'm a Clover.  
  
To know that I had lived…  
  
As a person…  
  
That's all I want.  
  
But even that,  
  
It seems impossible, doesn't it?  
  
I want to live.  
  
In that one moment.  
  
Even if all these years were wasted…  
  
…or that I was suspended in time waiting…  
  
Waiting to truly smile.  
  
Waiting to really cry.  
  
Waiting to passionately sing with all my heart.  
  
Waiting to sincerely love.  
  
Waiting for you.  
  
They will cry and keep me close to their heart.  
  
  
  
They'll not tell me, but show me that somehow, outside of this cage,  
  
"I was waiting for you to come out."  
  
  
  
And I will not be alone.  
  
Not anymore.  
  
  
  
With that thought alone, I can smile to myself.  
  
I will continue to survive until then…  
  
  
  
…for that single moment in time.  
  
  
  
End.  
  
--  
  
Author's note: Well, this is the last chapter. I really did enjoy doing this. For me, this was one of the most emotional pieces I've ever done and I hope you felt it too. After all the tears that I had kept when making this, I finally cried a single tear for Suu. Maybe it's something that all humans feel.  
  
I had wished to make the last chapter with Lan. But when I really thought about it, I said, "No, this is Suu's story. She should be the last to talk."  
  
It's so strange, though. When I made the chapter for Kazuhiko, I totally forgot that I didn't put 'mini-chapters'. But I remembered for everyone else. And when I really really thought about it, I saw that it did make sense. He isn't a Clover. The others are.  
  
Another thing was that it this had 'four' chapters. Suu-death-four-shi: All mean the same thing. So, it truly was Suu's fic.  
  
I thank you whole heartedly for reading. It truly means a lot to me. As I said in one of my disclaimers: Clover is one masterpiece of Clamp's that should be experienced at least once. I want to share this experience with my mediocre hands, but with all of my pure heart.  
  
Love always, Yui Miyamoto  
  
6/22/2000 


End file.
